It seems that children have one main job in life and it is to get their own needs met at all cost. It is only when boundaries are set and maintained that children will eventually grow up emotionally and recognize that others have needs, too. The sooner parents learn to validate and kindly, gently, respectfully, and firmly enforce boundaries, the sooner the child will begin to respect the rights of others.
Maybe children would be less destructive in their efforts to get their needs met if they received a little more validation of their feelings, a little more understanding. When a small child reaches for something he is not allowed to play with, how about saying, “Isn’t that pretty. Would you like to touch it?” Then let the child carefully touch it, smell it and experience it in every way his senses can while you secure the object. Satisfy his curiosity. Then explain that it is not to play with. Often that’s all he needs.
This action is respectful of the child’s feelings and eliminates, or at least diminishes, his and your frustration. If he persists, calmly explain that this object if not meant to be played with and distract the child with a toy, take him to a different room, or put the item out of reach. If the child cries, stay calm and firm. Yelling back at a screaming child only makes matters worse and teaches the child how to yell and scream. Giving in to cries and tantrums tells the child you have no boundaries.
When a child throws a tantrum in public you are being rude to others if you ignore it, hoping it will eventually stop. Pick up the child, hold him in your arms tightly, then firmly and calmly say, “Stop.” If he doesn’t stop, then leave as quickly as you can, even if your errands are unfinished. Keep your cool, and don’t dish out threats. When you are back in the car explain to your child that what he did was not appropriate and he can no longer be there. Take him home.
He must understand that he will not be able to go with you next time because you cannot risk his throwing a tantrum. Then follow through by leaving him with a baby-sitter or a friend the next time, calmly explaining why. You may have to wait to do your errand until a sitter is available, but it will be worth it. After that give him the opportunity to show you he will behave in public. When he realized you mean what you say, his behavior will change. It may be inconvenient for you at the time, but it will save you hours, maybe years, of frustration later.
For children to mature, they must learn that there are boundaries in life. Setting and keeping boundaries when children are young is crucial preparation for the time when they become teenagers. They will know you mean what you say.
Just keep in mind that in order for boundaries to be effective you must be kind, gentle, respectful and firm.
[From the Lundbergs’ book I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better, Chapter 7: How Validation Works with Young Children, pp 101-103]
May 1st, 2007 at 9:24 am
I have a 12 yr old who is always Angry at me. She has had boundries all her life but now she thinks that they don’t apply. I know she is just seeing how far she can push me but I don’t know how to talk to her or be myself without setting off her anger. She is always getting embarased by things I do. Any suggestions?